


Master of Disguise

by saturni_stellis



Category: Monty Python's Flying Circus
Genre: Crack, Disguise, Gen, Pre-Canon, secret agents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-15
Updated: 2021-02-15
Packaged: 2021-03-17 05:15:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29466348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/saturni_stellis/pseuds/saturni_stellis
Summary: Teddy Salad, much like ‘The Free World Extra-Earthly Bodies Location and Extermination Centre’ (F.E.E.B.L.E), is shrouded in mystery.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	Master of Disguise

**Author's Note:**

> Right so I know Teddy Salad is voiced by Michael in the episode, but I could just hear Terry J saying these lines when I wrote this so I had to make him human!Teddy, lol. Also Mike's character of the Supreme Commander doesn’t actually have a name in the show, so I just made one up for him! Basically I'm obsessed with Teddy Salad and his backstory!?

Besides the quiet hum of the fax machine and the occasional bubbling from the water cooler in the corner, the room was silent. Somewhere in the distance he could hear the high pitched bleeps of computers he still didn’t know how to use.

Agent Hirshman had been hand-picked from a selection of up-and-coming CIA agents to take on this case, the mystery of which he held under his arm in a brown folder, plastered with the big red words of _“TOP SECRET”_ across the front. He’d been told that he was forbidden to open the file until he met his new partner. 

Which was the reason he was here. To meet his new boss, a man he’d heard so much about at the academy yet was shrouded in mystery much like the file in his possession. The water cooler bubbled again, and if he wasn’t mistaken, it almost sounded like someone called out to him. The young man shook his head, straightening in his seat. 

There it was again. That sound, like a low voice, raspy and deep and definitely not coming from outside the room he sat in. Agent Hirshman looked round at the direction he thought it may be coming from, and by God, he could’ve sworn the water cooler shuddered right there before him. 

“Psst....Hey kid.” 

Hirshman’s eyes widened, he licked his lips nervously, eyes darting all over the place, looking around the room to see if there were any hidden radios or microphones. Maybe this was some test the Central Intelligence Agency carried out on their new recruits. 

“Over here, kid!” 

Hirshman stood, walked over to the cooler and crouched beside it, pressing his ear to the plastic. 

“Hey, whatsthematta with you!? Not so close, uh!?” 

“S-sorry...I…” Hirshman stuttered, standing straight, staring down at the water cooler in amazement. “W...what is...is that?”

The cooler let loose a few more bubbles as they rose to the surface of the water inside the cylinder plastic casing, and it shook again, as the low voice emanated from within. 

“What do you mean what is that? It’s a water cooler ain’t it? What do you think? It’s a new disguise I’m working on.” 

“A...a new disgui-?” 

“Fetch me that gown behind the desk, would you? I’m gettin’ kinda cold in here.” 

Hirshman walked over to the desk almost stumbling into a plant along the way. He picked up the towel gown, looking over towards the water cooler, hands sweating as he slowly walked back towards it.

“Now throw it over me. I don’t want you to see me all indecent on our first meetin’!” 

As Hirshman threw the gown over the dispenser, he took a few steps back and the realisation started to dawn on him. Was this the mythical man people spoke so highly of? His new partner? 

The cooler started to shake rapidly, shuddering so violently he thought it might topple over. His head turned to look over at the door, worried someone might come in and see him. Talking to an inanimate object sure seemed like reason enough to throw him right out of the Agency and directly into a mental home. 

When he turned back, what stood in front of him was no longer a water cooler, but a short man, stout and stocky with jet black hair and piercing dark eyes. But his face was soft, round and friendly, and he extended his hand towards Hirshman. 

Hirshman took the hand weakly, palms still damp with sweat and his heart racing. 

“Agent Salad. Teddy Salad, nice to meet you!”

“S...Salad?”

“Yeah you know, like lettuces, cucumbers, radishes.”

“No I mean...you’re...Teddy Salad?”

“Oh you must be my new guy! Agent uh...Hershey?”

“Hirshman, sir. Agent Hirshman.”

He tried to stop spluttering, stop shaking, stop sweating for Christ sake! But it was like meeting a God. Teddy Salad was no ordinary agent, he was legend! 

“You got a first name, kid?”

“Yeah, uh. Michael, sir. But everyone, uhm everyone calls me Mike.”

“Well that’s great, Mike. Come on, follow me, let’s talk.” 

As they walked through the darkened corridors of the F.E.E.B.L.E section of HQ, no one seemed to notice that Agent Salad left behind him a trail of wet foot-prints or indeed was wearing a dressing gown. 

Hirshman followed closely behind him, and as they turned a corner, the corridor got a little darker, a little colder and a little narrower, so he slid beside Salad as they walked side by side. 

“You had a chance to look in that file yet, Agent Mike?”

“No sir, not yet. I was under strict instructions not to until I was fully briefed.” 

“Well we got an interesting one on our hands here kid. You ever heard of a man called Mr Neutron?”

“Who, sir?”

“Hey c’mon, pay attention Mike, this is important. Mr Neutron! The most feared man in the universe? He’s got powers like you wouldn’t believe, and rumours is he’s headin’ here, for Earth.”

“You mean he’s from another planet, sir!?”

“That’s right kid. And we gotta track him down, find him, and bring him in.”

When they came to a door marked, _F.E.E.B.L.E personnel only_ Hirshman stood aside and waited for what was to be revealed on the other side. 

But before Salad unlocked the door, he turned to the younger Agent and gave him a short glance up and down. 

“What’s your measurements, kid?”

“My measurements, sir?”

“Yeah your suit size, trousers, waist, collar?”

“To what purpose, sir?”

Salad smirked up at him, pulling him in close with a firm hand at his arm. 

“We need to get you a good disguise, kid. One that will even have Neutron second guessing our identity, you know what I mean?”

“Yes Agent Salad, sir.”

There was a short pause before Salad spoke again. “I’m looking forward to working with ya, Agent Mike.” 

And with that, he opened the door.


End file.
